Christmas With Cancer

It was scandalous – that thing she did on impulse.  Never had such a move been executed under our roof.  I remember feeling almost fearful in my little five year-old heart.  I didn’t quite know what to make of it.  I only knew FOR SURE that if I had done it myself, there would be a swift and severe spanking.  But when the parent commits the crime – well, that was new territory for me and I just stood there in front of the Christmas tree completely bewildered.  I didn’t understand it until she started laughing and hugging me.

The Christmas tree in my childhood living room was silver – adorned with white lights and bright blue ball ornaments.  There was a spotlight shining on the tree from about two feet away.  The spotlight had an electric rotating cover on it.  Anybody remember those?  The cover was hard plastic and had four colored sections shaped like pie wedges.  As the cover slowly rotated, the tree appeared to change colors: red, blue, green, and yellow.  To me, it was magical and wonderful and I felt rich in all the ways that mattered.

My understanding of my reality was very limited at age 5.  I didn’t know my mother was critically ill with cancer.  And I especially didn’t know that by the next Christmas, she’d be gone.  What I DID know was that when she walked up to the Christmas tree and pulled out a gift that was beautifully wrapped for my cousin Becky in Florida and began ripping the paper off - all crazy like – something must be terribly wrong.  But then she started laughing, and pulled a spiffy new outfit from the box just my size (my cousin and I were twins at heart.)  She impulsively decided in that moment that she wanted to see her own pig-tailed daughter in that outfit, and it suddenly occurred to her that she had the power to do just that.  So she did.  And I have never felt more spoiled or more loved.  I can see the whole thing in my mind like it was yesterday. 

My mother knew what was important when you are celebrating Christmas with cancer.  She chose love and joy and to be fully present in the moment.  And that choice left a legacy.  I certainly don't hit the mark every single time, but thanks to her - I keep the beauty of a life lived that way in my mind and heart.  It's my goal.

Cancer came to our household for Christmas again this year.  We gathered at the farmhouse in south Georgia, as is our tradition, all eighteen of us.  Keaton was feeling good, thanks to a reprieve from so many of the harsh treatment drugs, for at least a season.  You know what we did for four solid days?  We chose love and joy and to be fully present in the moment.  We ate like pigs, we played cops and robbers on farm vehicles, we went for jogs on the dirt roads, and we visited extended family.  It was a gift of time together.

You see… when you celebrate Christmas with cancer, it’s important to focus on the WITH, not the cancer.  Christmas is God WITH us, Emmanuel. 

Jesus entered our mess of a world, not just to save us from hell – but to save us from a life of misery – no matter what we’re facing.  And I don’t say that flippantly.  There are people out there facing A LOT.  One of the most impactful things I read this Christmas season was an article on the enormity of God “WITH” us.  The writer stated simply that the best way to wrap our hearts around the “with” of the season is to spend some time reflecting on without.  Now THAT is something we all have experience with in this fallen world.  Keaton knows what it is to be without perfect health as a teenager.  I know how it feels to be without a mother at age six.  Single moms know the struggle of raising kids without a spouse.  Parents in Newtown know the pain of being without their kids this year.  If we understand the pain of without… we can begin to be grateful for the gift of God WITH us. 

How does it work?  This “with” thing?  How do you take it off the pages of scripture and bring it into your reality?  How does a sermon become something that actually soothes – actually makes a difference?  How do you celebrate Christmas with cancer and REALLY choose love and joy and be fully present in the moment, rather than fret and lose the moment to fear?  

There’s a one word answer… surrender.  It’s bending the knee and telling God you really, really need the “with” part.  It’s acknowledging a need that you can’t fix alone. 

And it’s confessing that you need other people to help light the way.  That’s one of the great privileges of being a Christian.   You weren't meant to travel the road alone.

In Keaton’s case… it’s the Gray Bracelet Brigade.  There’s work to be done gang.  Keaton’s MRI is THIS Thursday morning at 6:30am. (Dec 27^th)  Prayers are needed.  If you’ve been keeping up with the blog, you know the specific prayer request: for the brain tumor to continue shrinking and for the other “spots” to be conclusively labeled as non-cancerous.  Thank you for praying!

But what if YOUR cancer this Christmas isn’t the physical kind?  There are all kinds of “emotional cancer” – bitterness, the ache of loss, the sting of rejection, loneliness, or just plain feeling lost in a big world – to name a few.  For any of you reading this who are feeling the pain of without, my prayer for you is that the WITH of Christmas, Emmanuel, will enter your struggle and bring His comfort.  You do your part: bend the knee and open your heart to hope.  He’ll be faithful.   "O come to us.  Abide with us.  Our Lord Emmanuel."

Merry Christmas everyone, and remember to pray for Keaton!

Joy to the World

I love the early mornings, especially this time of year.  I love coming downstairs when the rest of the world is still and quiet and dark.  And I love tiptoeing around the corner at the bottom of the stairs where I am greeted by the soft light of the Christmas tree.  My heart floods with all the TRUTHS of Christmas.  He really IS the "light of the world."  And more importantly, He really IS "God WITH us."  Those truths tend to get drowned out by the noise of our modern traditions, don't they?

In the glow of the Christmas tree lights in the early morning stillness, I am able to re-calibrate my mind.  I can put the reality of last night's decorating fiasco behind me.  (Do you remember decorating your tree with LOTS of help from your kids?!)   The tangled cords of lights threaten to strangle the joy right OUT of you.  The fighting over who gets to hang what "special" ornament is louder than the Christmas music I have playing on the stereo.  And how did EVERY ornament get to be "special?"   

But in the stillness of morning, I am able to remember that God won't ask me how perfect my Christmas tree looked in 2012... but He might ask me how perfectly I enjoyed the gift of time with my children.  I can see it - the wisdom of THAT question - in the early morning light.  And I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning.  I think back to last evening and remember the fun parts... the boys re-living Christmases past and dancing around the room to their favorite Christmas songs.  And then there's my youngest - our natural comedian - climbing atop the step ladder to lip sync "Silver Bells" as though he were Bing Crosby incarnate.  It really WAS a fun night.  I can see it now.

I wanted to give you an update on Keaton's MRI and his time with the medical team at Emory yesterday.  Frankly, I needed a night to sleep on it before I could sort through my emotions.  It was a bit like Christmas tree decorating.  Parts of the report were tangled up like strands of lights, but in the clarity of morning light, I am able to see the GIFT of the medical report.  It's the "first gift of Christmas" for you Polar Express fans out there.

Keaton's tumor is shrinking!!!  I don't often prefer the official medical terminology in most cases, but in this situation I do.  The doctors phrase it this way: "We are pleased with the progress in the destruction of the tumor."  Destruction is a GREAT word!  There is a meeting on Tuesday to inform us of the treatment plan to finish off that tumor.  

The MRI was a bit pesky.  There are a couple of new spots on the brain, but the doctors feel quite certain that those spots are NOT new tumors - but rather just patches of "radiation residue."  Keaton will have another MRI in two weeks to bolster that theory.  So that's the prayer between now and then!

As you know, cancer "treatments" are done with very strong drugs.  Anything strong enough to kill cancer cells is bound to do some "collateral damage."  The radiation, which DID shrink the tumor, has also caused some mild brain swelling.  The doctors gave Keaton some steroids to help with THAT, and so we continue to move forward!

I've been studying the Passover from scripture lately - an odd thing for this time of year, I know.  As I was listening to a podcast on the topic from one of my favorite Bible teachers, he said, "We don't spend NEARLY enough time thanking God for all the things He causes to PASS OVER us."  I think about that this morning in the glow of the Christmas tree.  And my gratitude RISES as I think of the medical report we COULD HAVE GOTTEN yesterday.  "The tumor is growing despite our best efforts."  By God's grace, THAT report passed over us.

You know what I've found to be true - not just true at Christmas but ALL the time?  As gratitude RISES, so does JOY.

We've looked at a few characters from scripture as we've chronicled Keaton's journey though cancer.  Gideon, Nehemiah, and King Jehoshaphat.  Here's what THEY did when God caused bad outcomes to pass over THEM:

Judges 7:15 "Gideon worshiped God."

Nehemiah 12:40 - Nehemiah organized a big ole Praise and Worship service! "The two choirs gave thanks.  The sound of rejoicing in Jerusalem could be heard far away."

2 Chronicles 20:27 - "Then, led by Jehoshaphat, all the men of Judah and Jerusalem returned joyfully to Jerusalem, for the LORD had given them cause to rejoice over their enemies.  They entered Jerusalem and went to the temple of the LORD with harps and lutes and trumpets."

Want some more JOY in your world this holiday season?  Spend some time giving THANKS.   I am thankful for all the prayers offered up by those who proudly wear the colors of Team Keaton.  And I am unspeakably grateful that we have a God who delights to answer the prayers of His children.  Please don't stop.  Let's pray together that the MRI two weeks from now will confirm the theory that there are NO new tumors!

And in the stillness of this morning, Thank you Father, for the first gift under my slightly-lopsided Christmas tree:  "We are pleased with the progress in the destruction of the tumor."