Christmas With Cancer

It was scandalous – that thing she did on impulse.  Never had such a move been executed under our roof.  I remember feeling almost fearful in my little five year-old heart.  I didn’t quite know what to make of it.  I only knew FOR SURE that if I had done it myself, there would be a swift and severe spanking.  But when the parent commits the crime – well, that was new territory for me and I just stood there in front of the Christmas tree completely bewildered.  I didn’t understand it until she started laughing and hugging me.

The Christmas tree in my childhood living room was silver – adorned with white lights and bright blue ball ornaments.  There was a spotlight shining on the tree from about two feet away.  The spotlight had an electric rotating cover on it.  Anybody remember those?  The cover was hard plastic and had four colored sections shaped like pie wedges.  As the cover slowly rotated, the tree appeared to change colors: red, blue, green, and yellow.  To me, it was magical and wonderful and I felt rich in all the ways that mattered.

My understanding of my reality was very limited at age 5.  I didn’t know my mother was critically ill with cancer.  And I especially didn’t know that by the next Christmas, she’d be gone.  What I DID know was that when she walked up to the Christmas tree and pulled out a gift that was beautifully wrapped for my cousin Becky in Florida and began ripping the paper off - all crazy like – something must be terribly wrong.  But then she started laughing, and pulled a spiffy new outfit from the box just my size (my cousin and I were twins at heart.)  She impulsively decided in that moment that she wanted to see her own pig-tailed daughter in that outfit, and it suddenly occurred to her that she had the power to do just that.  So she did.  And I have never felt more spoiled or more loved.  I can see the whole thing in my mind like it was yesterday. 

My mother knew what was important when you are celebrating Christmas with cancer.  She chose love and joy and to be fully present in the moment.  And that choice left a legacy.  I certainly don't hit the mark every single time, but thanks to her - I keep the beauty of a life lived that way in my mind and heart.  It's my goal.

Cancer came to our household for Christmas again this year.  We gathered at the farmhouse in south Georgia, as is our tradition, all eighteen of us.  Keaton was feeling good, thanks to a reprieve from so many of the harsh treatment drugs, for at least a season.  You know what we did for four solid days?  We chose love and joy and to be fully present in the moment.  We ate like pigs, we played cops and robbers on farm vehicles, we went for jogs on the dirt roads, and we visited extended family.  It was a gift of time together.

You see… when you celebrate Christmas with cancer, it’s important to focus on the WITH, not the cancer.  Christmas is God WITH us, Emmanuel. 

Jesus entered our mess of a world, not just to save us from hell – but to save us from a life of misery – no matter what we’re facing.  And I don’t say that flippantly.  There are people out there facing A LOT.  One of the most impactful things I read this Christmas season was an article on the enormity of God “WITH” us.  The writer stated simply that the best way to wrap our hearts around the “with” of the season is to spend some time reflecting on without.  Now THAT is something we all have experience with in this fallen world.  Keaton knows what it is to be without perfect health as a teenager.  I know how it feels to be without a mother at age six.  Single moms know the struggle of raising kids without a spouse.  Parents in Newtown know the pain of being without their kids this year.  If we understand the pain of without… we can begin to be grateful for the gift of God WITH us. 

How does it work?  This “with” thing?  How do you take it off the pages of scripture and bring it into your reality?  How does a sermon become something that actually soothes – actually makes a difference?  How do you celebrate Christmas with cancer and REALLY choose love and joy and be fully present in the moment, rather than fret and lose the moment to fear?  

There’s a one word answer… surrender.  It’s bending the knee and telling God you really, really need the “with” part.  It’s acknowledging a need that you can’t fix alone. 

And it’s confessing that you need other people to help light the way.  That’s one of the great privileges of being a Christian.   You weren't meant to travel the road alone.

In Keaton’s case… it’s the Gray Bracelet Brigade.  There’s work to be done gang.  Keaton’s MRI is THIS Thursday morning at 6:30am. (Dec 27^th)  Prayers are needed.  If you’ve been keeping up with the blog, you know the specific prayer request: for the brain tumor to continue shrinking and for the other “spots” to be conclusively labeled as non-cancerous.  Thank you for praying!

But what if YOUR cancer this Christmas isn’t the physical kind?  There are all kinds of “emotional cancer” – bitterness, the ache of loss, the sting of rejection, loneliness, or just plain feeling lost in a big world – to name a few.  For any of you reading this who are feeling the pain of without, my prayer for you is that the WITH of Christmas, Emmanuel, will enter your struggle and bring His comfort.  You do your part: bend the knee and open your heart to hope.  He’ll be faithful.   "O come to us.  Abide with us.  Our Lord Emmanuel."

Merry Christmas everyone, and remember to pray for Keaton!